


She Would Hate Me Like This, But She's Not Here Now, Is She...

by Surnia_Ulula



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Broken Love, Dark Love, F/F, Suicide Attempt, hopelessness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:07:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23225311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Surnia_Ulula/pseuds/Surnia_Ulula
Summary: Alecto Carrow trying to navigate her way through life after her once lover, Bellatrix's imprisonment.
Relationships: Alecto Carrow/Bellatrix Black Lestrange
Comments: 3
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is set between the two wars, just after Bellatrix's imprisonment.

CHAPTER I

Alecto

Breathing gently into her soft black hair I dozed. Everything was warm, fuzzy, so happy. My body curled up with hers, she would kiss me softly. Her eyes pulled me in, deeper and deeper, until it was just us. Just us, together. Nothing else mattered. Her soft touch still lingering on my pale skin, I wake.  
Grey. The ceiling is grey, and I’m alone. Alone and cold. I shiver as I tuck myself into a little ball, feeling her absence more than ever. The bed protests when I eventually rest my feet on the rough hardwood floor. 

Slipping on a black hoodie, I head out to work. Let’s be honest, who even bothers with breakfast anymore. It’s not worth the energy.

I see their stares. They know what I’ve done. What’s worse is that even I know what I’ve done. The things I’ve done to people ...the things I’ve seen. When I close my eyes, I see their faces. All of them. Every. Single. One. The old man who sat outside of the coffee shop, his face twisted with the realization of my betrayal. The young brunette girl who made the dancing origami in the park. I watched each and every one of her precious creations cast red shadows upon the velvety black night. I see their bloodless faces. They’re always screaming, always in terrible anguish. Tattooed to the back of my eyelids.  
They can’t prove it, but everyone knows I did it.

I did it because I had to. Without the Dark Lord, I am nothing. Now, however, I’d rather be nothing than suffer this eternal guilt.

I miss her. I miss her with every fiber of my being, I miss her with my heart, mind, and my shredded, rotting excuse for a soul. But I miss her. I miss her so badly. So here I am, crying like a child. They haunt me the most in moments like these…

Moments where I don’t know if I can stomach tomorrow. Moments when I’m so lost, I have to squeeze my eyes shut and hide from the world. Moments when the pain is so great, I think I might just die. Moments where all I want to do is die, just to stop it all. Paralyzed. She would hate me like this, but she’s not here now, is she…

Bellatrix

Her body curls into mine as I stroke her auburn hair. Gazing into those bright ocean eyes, I kiss her on the forehead. Her eyelashes flutter. Giving me a lazy smile, she sighs. The way she would smile, it made my heart dance. She’s soft, her small, gentle touch sets my skin ablaze. I need her. I need her starry eyes to gaze into mine, I need to smell her rosemary tinted hair, so comforting. Most of all, I need her voice. If only for a second, just to tell me that it’s okay, that it’s going to be okay, that it’s all just a bad dream. If anything, to remind me that I’m more than just the dark lords pet. More than just a toy of his, a toy he feels he has the liberty to break and mold into whatever he wants. Small but fierce, she is.

I find it adorable, people look at her and stop dead in their tracks. They fear her. I could never fear the bright, sunny woman full of little esoteric facts and sayings. The way she snuggles close to me, I know she trusts me like no one else ever did, and likely ever will.  
She loves me, and, I’m afraid to say it, but I love her. I love her. It’s that simple.

I love her to the point where I would rather slice open a thousand veins than see her in pain. I was afraid that if people found out they'd hurt her. All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around her and shield her from everything we were yet to face. But…. I failed. And now I’m alone. Worse, she’s alone. We’re alone. 

Alone in the dark grey light, the rough black stones of my cramped cell suffocate my conscious, just as they were built to. The silence is pure, as silence should always be. I wake up wailing, the first noise to leave my throat for months. It simmers down to a sob, echoing throughout my stone coffin.  
I can’t lose her. I can’t. I feel her slip, dripping into the wastelands. Swimming in lost memories, the inky dark frost slowly seeps in, tainting them. Sucking out any and all hope and joy from the thought of life as I know it. One by one, they wither and die. Like starved flowers, their once beautiful petals float down and crumble into ashes. Their dark smudges are the only reminder of what used to be. The wastelands.  
I scream at myself, screaming for it to stop. Screaming in the dark grey cell as if I would never scream again. Screaming, begging to whatever would show mercy to a monster like me. All the pain, all the suffering endured. Screaming drowns out the thoughts. Thoughts are dangerous, thoughts mean hope, and hope means….  
What does hope mean?  
I see no end to this. I don’t know if I’m alive at times. It’s the lack of things that drive people mad down here.  
Lack of love, lack of warmth. It’s only cold here. And silent.. cold and silent.  
So, so...

Alecto

Silent. So so silent.  
With my arms tucked under my head, I pull my knees into my black hoodie. I sigh, the black hoodie does nothing to keep the chill out of my dying heart. It was hers. The black hoodie was hers. I lie there in silence, feeling my mind slip away as I watch the sun set through my open window. The breeze trickling in is cold. No, this isn’t right. This is not right.  
I opened my mouth, and sang for the first time in years. It was the song she would sing me when she felt like trying to piss me off, but I secretly loved it, if only because it was her song. It was a stupid song. One that always brought a smile to the listener, whoever it may be. So I lay there, softly croaking each syllable to myself. 

My strawberry blonde hair is haloed by my bright crimson blood. It sticks to me as it seeps through the sheets and into the mattress. Blood is always brighter from arteries. My voice cracks harshly. I stop grimacing in pain. That’s okay, I’ll sing in silence. The music playing in my head doesn’t stop. Just keep singing, her voice filling my heart. So dizzy, I’m…. I can’t………  
I feel my mind float into darkness as my day bleeds into night. My vision is failing, and my whole body shudders with each breath. I ache from crying, squeezing my eyes tightly.  
As the nighttime wind blows in, it chills the tears tracking down my face. My soul is hollow. I’m so cold, lying there shivering. Covered in my own blood, my black hoodie does nothing to keep out the melancholy that’s settled deep in my bones. She would hate me like this, but she’s not here now, is she…  
……….I hear nothing, absolutely nothing. I must be dead, for I can’t think. I can’t see, I can’t feel. This is bliss. This is heaven, this is a blessing. To not feel………

Something ripples. That’s not right. I hear something sharp, like….. like glass……..,someone dropped something. Someone……. what? I’m not dead. I’m a fool, a fool to think I could’ve been blessed.  
I’m not blessed. I’m damned.  
“ALECTO!”  
I feel a deep, deep dread. No……. no stop! Stop! STOP! Fresh tears spring from my eyes as I open my mouth. My jawbone cracks. I hadn’t realized I had been clenching it. Suddenly, pain shoots through my entire body, stiff from laying so still for so long. I let out a croak as I feel strong arms wrap around me. They lift me off of my bed.  
Completely soaked in my own blood, I am so, so stiff……Tired.  
I feel them hold me. My skeleton barely keeping me together, my bones pound. A deep voice whispers to me, they’re sobbing. I frown slightly.

Stop, don’t cry. Why are you crying? I want to say. It’s ok, let me go. I want to go… I pray the soul holding me understands. They don’t, I can feel that. I settle down into their arms, trying to settle back down into my darkness. I don’t feel anything as they quickly cast their patronus. As the strong arms carry me I feel myself slip away.

I feel dizzy.  
Where am I?  
My head throbs.  
Bright, I see light through my eyelids. I slowly peel them open, my head pulsing with pain. I’m in a dimly lit room. There’s a figure to my left. I turn my head the slightest bit to look at them. Dark and cloaked, they are crying utop a brown stool. I stare at them. After about a minute, our eyes lock, and I see myself. It’s my brother. I last not even a second before I break.

“Amycus,” My voice barely above a whisper. I wince as my head throbs. I look at him, every little motion in laced with pain. Why, I don’t know. I only slit my wrists.  
Confused, I Feel the tears stream down my face. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I’m crying, crying right there in front of him. I’ve never cried in front of anyone but her. He looks at me, looks at me with so much pain and worry………  
and disappointment. I look down at my hands and see my bandaged wrists, I shudder as I knead the sheets anxiously. He slowly gets up and sits on the side of my bed. I try to sit up. After nearly knocking myself back out with the effort, he helps me.  
“You’ve lost too much blood,” he says, voice wavering. When I don’t respond, he kisses my cheek. I just sit there, crying silently. “Please talk to me,” he wraps me in a hug. “Please Alecto, please just say something,” his voice fades into the darkness. I just lean into him, soaking up his familiarity.

“Please just know I love you,” Amycus whispered into his sleeping sister's ear, praying she might still hear him. “Please Alecto, please don’t leave me,” he looked at her still face and bandaged wrists, both tucked against him. Suddenly terrified, he wrapped himself around her and with his eyes, traced the sheen in her sunset hair. He held her cold, limp body tightly to his chest. She felt dead, she looked dead. She smelled of crushed flowers, tainted with blood. Rosemary. Her rosemary smell calmed him, but the sharp tang it was laced with only made him hold her tighter. He just hoped his living presence was as comforting to her as hers was to him. No, she couldn’t be dead.  
The healers didn’t think she’d make it through the night. She did, and she’s very much alive.  
This isn’t her first rodeo, Bellatrix might have said if she were here. Amycus knew she missed her friend, he just couldn’t imagine how much.  
Amycus stayed there, letting her rest against him. He stayed there, listening to her heart beat until the sun set the next night. When he finally laid her back down on the healer’s white sheets, his eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep. He gently curled into her side, like they did when they were children. With her face buried in his neck, her golden eyelashes fluttered.  
“I love you,” her voice barely more than a small puff of breath, but it was more than enough for Amycus. He stroked her hair.  
“It’s ok,” he croaked. “It’s going to be ok.”  
“I’m sorry,” was all she managed before slipping back down, deep down into her darkest hour.

Amycus’s chair groans as he leans into it, gently placing the steaming yellow mug in front of me. I sit deathly still, my legs tucked up on the tall wooden chair. I stare down, gaze fixated on the table before me. I’d been moved to his house since my little “incident.” I chewed my hair, always nervous, always moving.  
“Alecto, what is happening with you,” I can feel his gaze burning holes into my skull. I slam my hands facedown on the table, the tea jumped out of its cup, sizzling on the yellow wood.

“GET OUT OF MY HEAD,” I spit viciously, eyes never leaving their mark on the table. I instantly collapse backwards into my chair, guilt tearing its claws through my chest. “I’m sorry,” I sob, I can’t make sense of anything. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. I feel the pressure building inside of me. If I don’t let it out, I’m going to die. I’m going to break.

“Alecto, please let me in. Hey, it’s ok, you can look at me,” I squeeze my eyes closed, “please Alecto. I can help you if you give me the chance…” I shiver, the faces mock me. I stick my sleeve in my mouth and rock back and forth in the tall wooden chair. Shaking my head, I whisper to myself.“They don’t stop.” I shiver even harder. Amycus watches me with so much pity, it makes me sick. I was never the weak one. “It’s so so cold, please, I can’t,” I whisper as I disappear beneath my flowy hooded cloak. I can’t look at his face. I hate it when he pities me. We sit there in silence for the remainder of the morning. I slowly relaxed as the day went on, listening to Amycus move around his little flat.  
“Alecto you need help,” he finally broke the silence. I feel a prickle of fear blossom deep down in my stomach. “Alecto, I can help you . Please, Alecto, you can tell me anything,” Amycus gently pulled my hood back over my head. As he tucks loose strands of my hair behind my ears, he kneels before me. “Come sit,” he holds out his hand, looking at me with so much kindness that I take it. He pulls me off my chair and into his side. We’re leaning against the wall underneath the table. I sit with my head tucked against his neck. He strokes my hair. “Talk to me.” I shake my head and sniffle.  
“I can’t,” I whisper.  
“What will happen if you do?” He gently wrapped her in his arms.  
“I ...no…” I pull away from him. He holds me tighter as I begin to shudder.  
“Alecto, you need to talk, you can’t do this to yourself,” I feel my unease spread as he looks me in the eye. I watch him, unseeing. “It’s hurting you, I can see your pain. I will do anything for you. I love you, I couldn’t stop if I tried,” I let out a short breath, almost a laugh, but not quite there yet. I feel really tight, like everything is moving way to fast. I can’t breathe,  
“When you cut yourself, you cut me,” Amycus raised his eyebrows. “Can you hear me?”  
“Don’t,” I closed my eyes and pulled away. “Don’t do that Amycus,” I close my eyes. Lifting my head from his shoulder and resting it on my knees, I murmured, “you couldn’t possibly understand.”  
“I’ll understand if you tell me,” he raised his voice slightly.  
“No, no you wouldn’t,” I raise my voice to match his.  
“I’m... I’m not ready,” I stare at my bare feet, they’re tucked under my dark blue flowy pants. My cloak is wrapped around me like a blanket. I’m warm, which is nice considering it’s late fall. I watch him process what I just said.  
“Okay. Just know I’m always here for you, no matter what. When you’re ready, you won’t even have to find me,” he smiles. I look at his face. He’s so sure of himself, I almost believe him. It's a bold promise, one I've heard a million times before. This time I nod, and he pulls me into a hug.  
“I’m hungry,” I mumble into his cloak. He laughs,  
“Me too. Let’s go get lunch.”

Bellatrix

I’ve buried my feelings, buried them deep down into the frozen snowy landscape surrounding my heart. I’m changing, the snow soon to turn to hail, then from hail to ice. The ice builds up, soon to be one big blue wall.  
I need to forget, I need to forget to protect myself, I need to forget to protect her.  
So I sit in my black stone cage, forgetting.

Alecto

Lying on my back, my mind is blank. Blank as a pure cloudy day. I haven’t felt anything in days, which I guess is good all things considered. I feel frozen. I feel like my heart is made of a solid block of ice. No matter how one hard one hits me, I never chip, never shatter. I feel the ice build up everyday. Every day that goes by I get colder and colder.  
I can sense it, the difference. I feel the difference in the sense that I feel less. I’m numb, so foggy. My mind is filled with thick grey fog, at some point some time ago someone turned off the lights in there. I don’t see their faces anymore, the ones that haunt me. I don’t see her face anymore. I don’t look people in the eye anymore. I don’t look my brother in the eye anymore. I’m trusted alone now, but never at night. My brother goes to work during the day. It’s lonely by myself. I’ve picked up drawing though, it’s calming. I can completely lose myself in it. Minutes bleed to hours in what seems like seconds. Confused yet? I don’t fully understand it either. Time is not natural, not in my mind. Time is only used to measure the periods between life and death, before life, and after death. Confused yet? Art comes in many forms, and will outlive life itself. It will outlive existence not only as we know it, but as it truly is. The being of something. I will always be something, but I will never be someone. Never, will I ever be someone. That’s okay though, I didn’t need to be someone with her. To be is to exist. So we would be, we would be together. We existed together and we still exist without. At least, I exist without. It would take years, perhaps even a lifetime to realize she’s dead. Nobody ever checks on the prisoners of Azkaban, it’s too horrific a place for a “good soul” to venture. It sickens me to think of her there. Azkaban’s job is to break people, break them down until they’re just an empty shell of who they used to be. It’s bloody good at its job. I walk into the loo. Looking in the mirror I see a stranger. My eyes are dull, my face hollow, and my hair is in a wild, knotted bun. For a second, I contemplate letting it down, only to come to the conclusion that it’s probably already locked up there. I just sigh, this is me now. This is me now, more dead than alive.  
She would hate me like this, but she’s not here now, is she…


	2. Chapter II

CHAPTER II

Bellatrix

I’m dead. This must be death. I know nothing, not even life. I cannot recall life beyond these walls. ….Wait, I, I hear, I hear a small crack, the crack spreads. It’s low, so, so quiet. I know this noise, it reminds me of one of my freshly sharpened knives. I remember as I slowly dragged it down a block of ice. That’s what this noise is, a pin cutting through ice. I feel like someone running a sharp nail down my spine. I shiver. Then I stop. 

Something's happening. For the first time in an eternity, something. Is. Happening. I jump up, a sudden burst of clarity sinks it’s chillingly sharp teeth into my skull. Yes, I remember everything. I am the dark lords servant, that is why I’m here. I feel something, something else prickles in the back of my mind. Something very, very important. Something I’m missing. Something I’ve buried deep, deep down in fear. 

I push the feeling aside and pace in the cramped, dark cell. I can feel it burning inside of me. Something…..someone? And then it hits me. It doesn’t just hit me, it hits nine others around me. The face of the prison is blown straight off by the lightning. Suddenly, I’m assaulted by the raging sky above and the sea below. The wind grabs and shoves me against the cold stone around me. On the ground I chuckle madly, my voice completely broken. 

I cackle as the dementors swarm me. When they disperse, I feel sickeningly delighted that I’m no longer affected by them. They’ve sucked everything worth remembering out of me. Now I’m just as empty as they are, and I’m just as hungry. Hungry for the innocent, I want their hearts to bleed, I want them to feel pain. I want them to hurt like I hurt. I want to kill them. All of them. When I needed help, the corrupt came for me. The ugliest of souls. Never the beautiful. Never the innocent, or the just. I was never innocent, not with a family like mine. One can never be innocent in a family like mine. 

A face flashes through my mind, blurry, but bright. I shake my head, pushing it aside. The wind picks me back up, trying to feed me to the starving ocean below. Not today, I think as I apparate. Where? Wherever my mind takes me.

Alecto

I sit in Amycus’s kitchen. Perched on the counter, I blow on my tea.  
“He’s back,” Amycus slams the paper down in front of me. I look at it.  
MAN CLAIMS TO SEE HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED  
“That’s not evidence, papers like that come out every week,” I laugh.  
“Yeah, but look closer,” Amycus pointed at the paper at the description. I feel a chill run down my back. I shake my head.  
“No. It can’t be him. Amycus, I can’t do it again,” I look down at him from my ledge. As I begin to feel panic bloom in my chest, I throw the paper into the recycling bin across the room.  
“Ok, first of all, no. That’s my paper, it’s not going anywhere. But more importantly, that was flawless! There’s no way that was a lucky shot. Is that what you’ve been doing when I’m gone?” he joked, “throwing things in the rubbish bin?” He’s trying so hard to lighten the mood, even after all we’ve been through.  
“That amongst other things,” I slip off of the countertop with a small smile. I’m so, so lucky to have him as an older brother.

I look at the paper on the table. Picking it back up I flip through it. Suddenly, something flashes across the page. I flip the back to find it. When I do, I feel myself sink to the floor. It’s a moving picture, one that fills the whole page. It’s her. It’s her, and she’s screaming. I see the pain, the fear and the hate in her eyes as she thrashes against her captors. They have her in massive, heavy metal chains as thick as my fist. She’s bolted to the wall. People try to hold her still as they take the picture. I begin to shake, tears streaming down my face as they push her down and force her head up. The title catches my eye.  
MASS BREAK OUT  
Nine Death Eaters. Nine escaped, and she was one of them. She’s out. Oh my god. She’s out. But I look at the woman in the picture, that is not the woman I knew. The one I knew… I don’t see her anymore. I sit there, just like that. My eyes remain unfocused on her terrifying presence. Hours go by in the blink of an eye, as they do I wonder. What has become of her? Then I stop, a dull sense of dread seeps into my bones. What has become of me.  
What has become of us?  
She would hate me like this, and she’s here now. But where is she?

The dark lord has returned. I know. My mark scorches. I was lying in bed, my mind floating in pure darkness when I feel it burn. It’s sudden, so so hot. I gasp, quickly sitting up.  
Ow ow ow ow ow,” I squeeze my eyes shut, holding my arms close to my chest. Now there’s no denying it, the dark lord has returned, and he’s calling me. He’s calling all of us.  
“If we don’t go soon it’ll get worse,” Amycus winced, his left hand in his pocket. He leaned against the doorframe, stepping to the side as I slid past him.

Dressed for battle, he holds my hand as we apparate. We land in a cobblestone courtyard, utterly alone. It’s more of a maze than a courtyard. The stone that marks the center is to my right. The perfectly trimmed trees sway, folding with the midnight wind around us. The only sound is that of the desperate wind, weeping like it lost a lover. When it dies, the overbearing silence settles in my bones. I can feel my brothers unease. Gently rising, the wind resumes its mourning. Yet this silence stays with me, nestled deep into my soul. I look down and see our hands. We’re holding each other tightly. My brothers grip only tightens as I loosen mine.  
“Come on,” I drag him through the perfect arrow strait hedges, taking a deep breath, I walk into Malloy Manor.

Bellatrix  
I look down at my feet, head bobbing side to side. My black hair is matted into a massive black lock, haloing everything. I hide behind it, waiting for everyone to just go away and leave me in peace. It’s been so long since I’ve felt peace, since I’ve felt anything, really. It’s to much. So, so loud…. I begin to shudder in my seat, sinking down under the table. Just when I feel I can’t take another breath, he leaves. The room takes a collective sigh of relief. Finally. I whip my face up, slam my hands on the table and hiss. Eyes affixed to the table I slowly close my eyes, the blissful popping sound of fellow death eaters apparating full the air as they scurry away. Finally they stop. I gently relax into my chair. Finally, peace…

Alecto  
I sit on the far side of the table, diagonal from her. She still doesn’t see me, slumped in her chair, this is not the woman who left me. The woman sitting before me is nothing, merely bones dressed in rags.   
My brother was one of the first to run. The others left as soon as they could. I am alone with her, Lucius and Narcissa having left the room.  
So I sit. And I watch her, trying not to cry. 

Alone with another, but alone all the same.

Bellatrix

I don’t see her. She doesn’t see me. She could never, ever truly know what I’ve been through, and I would give almost anything to keep it that way. I wouldn’t wish Azkaban upon my worst enemy. My last thoughts as I disparate are awfully bleak,  
She would hate me like this, but I don’t see hatred. I see pity. I see sadness, a broken soul gazing into the shell of another. She’s lost. I’m not lost, I’m gone.

In the cool cellar I curl myself between the dry barrels full of hard liquor. With an aching face and puffy red eyes, I know I’m ugly. We’re all so ugly. We’re all so ugly and the pretties know. They see the ugly, but they don’t see our true pain. They don’t see us. Not all uglies kill the same. Not all uglies hate the same. Not all uglies feel the same. Not all uglies listen the same. How do you know an ugly? Uglies don’t talk. Uglies know. Uglies always know. Uglies don’t need to talk to know.

Sometimes there are feelings that can’t be undone.  
Sometimes there are words that will never be spoken.  
Sometimes there are days we can’t see the sun.  
Sometimes there are people we can’t help, broken.  
Sometimes we take the little things for granted.  
Sometimes we don’t see them until they’re gone.  
Sometimes you don’t know which souls are slanted.  
Sometimes, those in their midnight never meet the dawn.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm super slow at doing things but they eventually get done, sorry for how long it took to get chapter two out. If you spot anything you like, dislike, would like to hear more/less of please let me know!  
> I love constructive criticism.


End file.
